stay with me

have you ever been at a time in your life when everything is going wrong and you just wish God would snap his fingers and fix everything? im at the breaking point. i know that i need to wait on God's timing, not my own, i just feel completely out of strength and fight. this song is what is getting me through this time. i just bought the new barlow girl cd and the song stay with me was exactly what i needed right now when feeling as desperate for God as I am.

Hope is getting through this night | And life is not dying in this fight | Begging You to deliver me Confused why You won’t take this pain from me My steps never felt so hard | The end never looked so far but | If You won’t take me out | then please take me through this | Chorus | Stay with me So I won’t leave | And make me see | That this is not forever | ‘Cause all I need is Your love pulling me What is the reason for this night? | Is hope found in moments with no light? | Does strength grow in our greatest fears? | God I pray something good will come from this pain | My steps never felt so hard | The end never looked so far but | If you won’t take me out | then please take me through this | Chorus | With you here I know | I don’t go alone | I am yours and so | Through the fire I’ll go | My steps never felt so hard | The end never looked so far but | If you won’t take me out then please take me through this | Chorus 2x

how awesome is this..."if you won't take me out then please take me through this". that's my prayer right now. i'm dealing with all of this stuff now for a reason. it is completely beyond me and has been taking every ounce of strength i have but i know God is there with me and in control no matter how impossible the situation seems at the moment.

then please take me through this. stay with me.

john 20:23

"if you forgive someone's sins, they're gone for good. if you don't forgive sins, what are you going to do with them?" -john 20:23

how true is that. if you don't forgive sins what will you do with them? it will eat you up but it isn't affecting the other person. i know i need to forgive but my anger is taking hold of me. i want to forgive but i don't know how to get over this. i pray for the anger to fade and for me to be able to forgive and instead love. like the verse says, if you don't forgive sins what are you going to do with them? what will i do with them - nothing...time to forgive.

beautiful ending

so the other day i came across this song "beautiful ending"by barlowgirl. how many times do we let our own selfish wants come between us and God. rather than turning to the one who knows us inside and out we run to the things that only make us fall. he doesn't leave us but instead we divide ourselves from him. "so tell me what is our ending?" what is my ending? i want it to be beautiful. i want to end up in God's arms. sometimes we get so far that we don't know how to turn back but God is always there with open arms. he doesn't separate from us but instead we separate from him. i want to find myself by his side and continue to experience his beautiful love. so what is my ending? i pray for a beautiful ending.

click here for the video
Oh, tragedy
Has taken so many
Love lost cause they all
Forgot who You were
And it scares me to think
That I would choose
My life over You
My selfish heart
Divides me from You
It tears us apart

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?

Oh, why do I
Let myself let go
Of hands that painted the stars
And hold tears that fall?
And the pride of my heart
Makes me forget
It's not me but You
Who makes the heart beat
I'm lost without You
And dying from me

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms
At the end of it all
I wanna be in Your arms

So tell me
What is our ending?
Will it be beautiful
So beautiful?
Will my life
Find me by Your side?
Your love is beautiful
So beautiful

whatever you have done, whatever you have become, it doesn't matter. please come home

this past weekend I heard a message on the prodigal son. with the things I've gone through recently, I heard it in a completely new light. the 4 major points described God as a God who loves us...
1. when we make foolish choices
2. when we fail
3. while he waits for our return
4. when we come home
that was me. making stupid decisions, failing and trying to find my way back home. I think everyone at one point or another goes through that. it may be for a day, month, or even several years but he is always there waiting for us to come home. I think we sometimes get to that place where you think you can't come home anymore. that you've made too many dumb moves to make your way back.
i heard the song 'where we belong' for the first time this week. the pre-chorus says "your love is never ending, to your hands we surrender, where all our sins are washed away. your grace beyond reason, has paid for our freedom, we're made alive in you." never ending love. grace beyond reason. i don't even know how to comprehend that. it is beyond what I know or can show.
just like the father was outside waiting for the son to return, God waits for us. he waited for me. no one could force him to come home, drag him kicking and screaming the whole way. he had to come to that decision on his own. as hard as it was for the dad, knowing what his son would get into, he had to let him. God lets us make the decisions, even when he knows the outcome, that it is the wrong path, he lets us go and waits for us to return. it is our choice. he waits...that's crazy to me being as I'm such an impatient person and when I see someone falling I want to shake them until they get it but I can't. I can't save anyone just like no one could save me. I had to want to change. it's not easy and it's painful and it's hard to admit you screwed up...but God is there waiting to welcome us home

"whatever you have done, whatever you have become, it doesn't matter. please come home"

Expect the unexpected

Last night I found out that someone I really care about is enlisting in the navy. Don't get me wong...I admire those who protect our country but it pulled the rug from under me so to speak. How do you deal with those who go off into the army, navy, coast guard? You want to support them but at the same time say don't leave. There are also all the things left unsaid. Do you say them or wait until the next time you see them hoping you are given the chance? I want to be supportive and to embrace this decision I just am not sure how to act right now. I'm about to lose someone who is close to me...how do you let them go? I think right now I'm more in a state of unbelief than anything. I am so proud of this person. Total shocker right now

forgive yourself

romans 5:3-4
we can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. and endurance develops strength of character in us.

right now i am learning to endure. these past couple weeks have been the hardest i've ever gone through. a little explanation...i made a really really really dumb decision and am having to deal with the consequences. im not going to get into details. because of my stupid choices i lost the things that matter to me the most--leading the worship band, helping out at church, in theRUSH, my reputation. i screwed up...i feel like i should be the poster girl for ivescrewedup.com. it is the worst feeling in the world to have to look at those who you've looked up to, your mentors, and have to tell them you made a mistake. to have the disappointment just be seen on their faces and to know you've not only let them down but you've let down yourself. i know God has forgiven me because he is a loving and forgiving father but people keep telling me i need to forgive myself. how do you do that? how do you forgive yourself when you know that it was your own fault that you lost everything? how do you forgive yourself when you know that you could have made the right choice but you didnt? how do you forgive yourself when you sit there apologizing to people and knowing that this didn't have to happen? if you could answer that for me maybe i could forgive myself. but i'm having a really hard time doing that. i know i'm not perfect and i'm bound to make mistakes but it doesn't make it any easier. i messed up and put myself into my own ditch. yes, i've learned my lesson...ok more like a thousand lessons. and i am developing strength of character in myself. but the situation still sucks...and there is no one to blame but myself.

so my ultimate question. how do you forgive yourself when you don't feel worthy of being forgiven?

right time for everything

Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 8

¹ There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: ^{2 -8} A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.

timing is everything. for me, i tend to be very impatient and i want things to happen right away. i'm learning to go with God's timing. it isn't about when i want things but when God wants things to happen. i'm also learning to be more open. to try things out. last night, i attempted to put myself out there and realized that as good as something may seem on paper doesnt mean its right. i'm not rushing what God is doing. instead i'm stopping to enjoy the view and wait for his timing and not my own. i don't know what is ahead and i'm over racing to try to figure it out. he is letting it unfold day by day and i'm excited to see what is still to come

why me??

2 Corinthians 4:16-18
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.

This weekend for me was a rough weekend. Through that I had a moment of doubt, I let the devil get in my head and question why I'm doing what I'm doing. I doubted that I was good enough to be the band leader. At that moment I didn't see past my failures and forward to what God was about to do. We had 60 students at Sawgrass this weekend and 5 of them were baptized. That's awesome!!! Even through what I saw as my failure, God succeeded. I was challenged to look, think and pray about being relentless. I looked it up and found this definition - steady and persistent, never ceasing. NEVER CEASING! That's how I want to live for Christ in all that I do. At home, at church, in TheRush. I want to NEVER cease. To be unstoppable (as Scotty K would say). I want the band to grow together and become a united front. For them to join as a team. The verse 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 really got me yesterday as I was in my rut. I don't want to give up. I may have some troubles right now but there are joys to come. God has me where I am at for a reason and although I may not understand why, I'm going to keep doing the best job I can do and know that he will use his power to make things perfect in my weakness.

love is...

love is patient and kind. love is not jealous or boastful or proud. love does not demand its own way. love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. it is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. love will last forever.  -1 corinthians 13

tonight as i got to spend some quality time with my sister, we randomly started talking about relationships. the type of guy we wanted, past relationships. that sorta stuff. well as she's now off to bed i started thinking and began reading 1 corinthians. love, relationships, friendships, random strangers. how do i "love" on a daily basis? talking with her also got me thinking about the type of guy i want when i eventually get into a relationship. so here ya go...

MY STANDARDS

above all, he must be a christian. i want a guy who is a spiritual leader. who will help me to grow stronger in my walk rather than bring me down.

a friend. i want someone who isn't just a guy i like but also my best friend. jenn miller always said that before you get in a relationship with someone you need to be their friend.

confident/independent. i want a guy who is confident in what he believes and independent enough to stick up for it and not follow the crowd.

communication. someone who will listen to me and able to talk with me through the good times and the bad.

kind and compassionate. is kind not just to me but to others and shows compassion

laughter factor. someone who can make me laugh. and laughs along with me, even at my stupid corny jokes

easy-going but not a pushover. someone who can deal with me even in my bad mood and can help me to not treat others like a doormat

r-e-s-p-e-c-t. someone who respects me and my opinion. while we may not agree on everything he respects me enough to hear what i have to say.

family matters. i want a guy who can get along with my crazy wack-a-doo family. to be able to talk with my parents and hang with my sis. 

these are some of the standards i want in a guy. now i also was thinking about the kind of person i want to be. here's some things i came up with:

genuine

kind

an example to others

passionate for Christ

trustworthy

honest

joyful

loving 

unique

independent

sticks to my morals

i want to be the kind of person who is true to herself and isn't defined by those around me. i want to be the woman God has created me, confident in myself. i don't want to be another fad but instead a lasting creation. i want to be one-of-a-kind the way God intended me to be. i want Him to be proud of who i am.

now back to the verse, what is love? am i being an example of love? am i patient and kind, never losing faith? i want to show love but i think i have let it be on my terms rather than how God wants me to love. i pray that i can love the way Christ does, unconditionally. 

how do you "love"?

Blast from the past

So last night I had a late night visit from an old friend. What I thought would be an awkward encounter turned out to be an awesome time. I had thought we would never have a real conversation again and we did. I'm not sure if it was only a one time deal but it holds a glimmer of hope for that friendship again. God gives you moments and I was blessed to have that one. I pray the best for this person and hope that they know I'll always be there.
I thank God for the friendships that I had, have now, will have and the ones that may return.

i get knocked down

so right now i'm listening to the song i get knocked down. it's like my theme song for this past weekend. the chorus goes: i get knocked down. but i get up again. you're never gonna keep me down. this past weekend was rough...to say the least. this weekend as i was leading worship for FRC sawgrass theRush the devil attacked and for a second it almost seemed as if he was winning. then i saw how the students were singing along and really worshipping. they didn't pay attention to what was going wrong but were actually getting involved in worship...not just one or two students but the majority. it was awesome! i got knocked down but i'm up again. i REFUSE to let the devil win and get into my heart and head and keep me down. God has placed me where i'm at for a reason and i'm going to keep doing it the best i can for him.

i get knocked down BUT I GET UP AGAIN! YOU'RE NEVER GONNA KEEP ME DOWN!

perfect in weakness

2 corinthians 12:9 -- but he said to me "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." therefore i will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

this verse lately has really been on my mind the past couple weeks. after hearing about it in a staff meeting and later as i was driving home the same night, i can't seem to get it out of my head. "for my power is made perfect in weakness." wow! i tend to get bummed about my weaknesses or criticize myself. lately i've been feeling weak and defeated. i pass one obstacle and another shows up. it's so awesome to know that God takes those weaknesses and becomes powerful in them. he has been evident throughout each bump in the road. so i'm going to choose to be glad about my weaknesses because i know that God will shine through and his power will overcome the rest.

while the world sleeps...

so i'm sitting here in my sisters hospital room right now as she's sleeping and i can't. it's like a bazillion things are going through my head. she's been sick and has been in the hospital now for 3 days. they still haven't figured out what is wrong with here. they're running tests and everything. yesterday i had a bit of a freak out moment (which doesn't happen very often) where all the possible what-if's ran through my mind...worse case scenarios type of deal. i'm over that now and i know that it is all in God's hands. it's hard to wait around just wondering what's going to happen. i've realized it while i've been up late at night just sitting in the hospital room tonight and last night. for me, i like to know how things are going to work out but that's not the way it is. i just need to trust that God has it all under control and through him it will all work out.

i know this...i'm just having one of my moments. well its late and time to join the rest of the world and sleep.

thoughts into the 2009...

so lately different things have been running through my mind..here are some:

-how in the world do people wake up and go to the gym? i can't even wake myself up most days...and i say that i want to start waking up and go running
-praying for someone is sometimes the only interaction you'll get with that person
-letting go can be a painful process
-God presents opportunities at the most random times
-i have no idea what my future is going to hold...what am i suppose to do with the rest of my life???
-picking a major is one of the hardest things of life
-psychology is turning into one of my favorite classes - "who buys a car with no brakes"
-i love disney shows...i'm such a little kid
-i'm scared of growing up
-responsibility sucks
-i want to be "unstoppable" when living my life for Christ
-FRC sawgrass has changed me in more ways than one
-the "triangle"
-i am learning to take chances on things i never would have before
-isaiah 43:18-19
-forgiving is easier said than done
-i can weather through the toughest storms as long as Christ is my rock
-i am good enough in God's eyes
-God truly is mighty to save
-what i thought had been weakness is turning out to be strength i didn't know i had
-i truly am thankful for the experiences i've been through...they've made me into the person i am now
-remember good memories because sometimes those are all you have
-God's plan is always the best

well that's all. random but it's what goes on in my head

through the motions

well its been a little while since i last wrote. life has been a bit crazy with school back in action. i sometimes feel like i'm just going through the motions....not really stopping to smell the roses. for me and the things i've been through i tend to hold grudges and don't often let things go or just brush them off. life has been pretty rough when it comes to me and my sister at the moment. a never-ending war is what it's like.

a good friend pointed out the verse isaiah 43:18-19. the niv version goes "forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. see i am doing a new thing! now it springs up; do you not percieve it?"
i like the message though "forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. i'm about to do something brand new. it's bursting out! don't you see it?"

i let myself hold onto the stupid things of the past...the fights, the hurt (i guess its a family trait at the moment). i don't want to keep having the same fights over and over again because i'm going to end up missing God's brand new something in my life. i just pray that i have the strength and patience to see up to that point.

Exactly what you wanted

Why is that when you hear exactly what you thought you needed to hear
it hurts even more than before? Everyone says one thing but the
reality is completely different. How do you move on and tune out all
that is going on in your head?? Why can't it be like a switch and just
turn off or on? I want to change but my heart just isn't letting me.
Light off!!!!

Sent from my iPhone
Rachel Bonnet

the start of something new

it is the start of a brand new year. hello 2009! i decided this year that i am not going to make any new year's resolutions. last year i tried that and pretty much failed. i have however made a few promises to myself. this year i want to know joy. 2008 was a pretty rough year and i don't want to have those same feelings again. i want to be genuinely happy. to experience the joy God created. we are so blessed to have another year pass and one to look forward to. also...i made the promise to take chances. to not close off opportunities in my heart and head before i give it a chance. i'm not sure what God has in store for me but if i stay close-minded i'll never know. so here's to being open-minded.
well those are a couple for now. here's to a brand new year :)