romans 5:3-4
we can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us -- they help us learn to endure. and endurance develops strength of character in us.
right now i am learning to endure. these past couple weeks have been the hardest i've ever gone through. a little explanation...i made a really really really dumb decision and am having to deal with the consequences. im not going to get into details. because of my stupid choices i lost the things that matter to me the most--leading the worship band, helping out at church, in theRUSH, my reputation. i screwed up...i feel like i should be the poster girl for ivescrewedup.com. it is the worst feeling in the world to have to look at those who you've looked up to, your mentors, and have to tell them you made a mistake. to have the disappointment just be seen on their faces and to know you've not only let them down but you've let down yourself. i know God has forgiven me because he is a loving and forgiving father but people keep telling me i need to forgive myself. how do you do that? how do you forgive yourself when you know that it was your own fault that you lost everything? how do you forgive yourself when you know that you could have made the right choice but you didnt? how do you forgive yourself when you sit there apologizing to people and knowing that this didn't have to happen? if you could answer that for me maybe i could forgive myself. but i'm having a really hard time doing that. i know i'm not perfect and i'm bound to make mistakes but it doesn't make it any easier. i messed up and put myself into my own ditch. yes, i've learned my lesson...ok more like a thousand lessons. and i am developing strength of character in myself. but the situation still sucks...and there is no one to blame but myself.
so my ultimate question. how do you forgive yourself when you don't feel worthy of being forgiven?
right time for everything
Ecclesiastes 3:1 - 8
1 There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: 2 -8 A right time for birth and another for death, A right time to plant and another to reap, A right time to kill and another to heal, A right time to destroy and another to construct, A right time to cry and another to laugh, A right time to lament and another to cheer, A right time to make love and another to abstain, A right time to embrace and another to part, A right time to search and another to count your losses, A right time to hold on and another to let go, A right time to rip out and another to mend, A right time to shut up and another to speak up, A right time to love and another to hate, A right time to wage war and another to make peace.
timing is everything. for me, i tend to be very impatient and i want things to happen right away. i'm learning to go with God's timing. it isn't about when i want things but when God wants things to happen. i'm also learning to be more open. to try things out. last night, i attempted to put myself out there and realized that as good as something may seem on paper doesnt mean its right. i'm not rushing what God is doing. instead i'm stopping to enjoy the view and wait for his timing and not my own. i don't know what is ahead and i'm over racing to try to figure it out. he is letting it unfold day by day and i'm excited to see what is still to come
why me??
2 Corinthians 4:16-18
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
This weekend for me was a rough weekend. Through that I had a moment of doubt, I let the devil get in my head and question why I'm doing what I'm doing. I doubted that I was good enough to be the band leader. At that moment I didn't see past my failures and forward to what God was about to do. We had 60 students at Sawgrass this weekend and 5 of them were baptized. That's awesome!!! Even through what I saw as my failure, God succeeded. I was challenged to look, think and pray about being relentless. I looked it up and found this definition - steady and persistent, never ceasing. NEVER CEASING! That's how I want to live for Christ in all that I do. At home, at church, in TheRush. I want to NEVER cease. To be unstoppable (as Scotty K would say). I want the band to grow together and become a united front. For them to join as a team. The verse 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 really got me yesterday as I was in my rut. I don't want to give up. I may have some troubles right now but there are joys to come. God has me where I am at for a reason and although I may not understand why, I'm going to keep doing the best job I can do and know that he will use his power to make things perfect in my weakness.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at the troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.
This weekend for me was a rough weekend. Through that I had a moment of doubt, I let the devil get in my head and question why I'm doing what I'm doing. I doubted that I was good enough to be the band leader. At that moment I didn't see past my failures and forward to what God was about to do. We had 60 students at Sawgrass this weekend and 5 of them were baptized. That's awesome!!! Even through what I saw as my failure, God succeeded. I was challenged to look, think and pray about being relentless. I looked it up and found this definition - steady and persistent, never ceasing. NEVER CEASING! That's how I want to live for Christ in all that I do. At home, at church, in TheRush. I want to NEVER cease. To be unstoppable (as Scotty K would say). I want the band to grow together and become a united front. For them to join as a team. The verse 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 really got me yesterday as I was in my rut. I don't want to give up. I may have some troubles right now but there are joys to come. God has me where I am at for a reason and although I may not understand why, I'm going to keep doing the best job I can do and know that he will use his power to make things perfect in my weakness.
love is...
love is patient and kind. love is not jealous or boastful or proud. love does not demand its own way. love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. it is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. love will last forever. -1 corinthians 13
tonight as i got to spend some quality time with my sister, we randomly started talking about relationships. the type of guy we wanted, past relationships. that sorta stuff. well as she's now off to bed i started thinking and began reading 1 corinthians. love, relationships, friendships, random strangers. how do i "love" on a daily basis? talking with her also got me thinking about the type of guy i want when i eventually get into a relationship. so here ya go...
MY STANDARDS
above all, he must be a christian. i want a guy who is a spiritual leader. who will help me to grow stronger in my walk rather than bring me down.
a friend. i want someone who isn't just a guy i like but also my best friend. jenn miller always said that before you get in a relationship with someone you need to be their friend.
confident/independent. i want a guy who is confident in what he believes and independent enough to stick up for it and not follow the crowd.
communication. someone who will listen to me and able to talk with me through the good times and the bad.
kind and compassionate. is kind not just to me but to others and shows compassion
laughter factor. someone who can make me laugh. and laughs along with me, even at my stupid corny jokes
easy-going but not a pushover. someone who can deal with me even in my bad mood and can help me to not treat others like a doormat
r-e-s-p-e-c-t. someone who respects me and my opinion. while we may not agree on everything he respects me enough to hear what i have to say.
family matters. i want a guy who can get along with my crazy wack-a-doo family. to be able to talk with my parents and hang with my sis.
these are some of the standards i want in a guy. now i also was thinking about the kind of person i want to be. here's some things i came up with:
genuine
kind
an example to others
passionate for Christ
trustworthy
honest
joyful
loving
unique
independent
sticks to my morals
i want to be the kind of person who is true to herself and isn't defined by those around me. i want to be the woman God has created me, confident in myself. i don't want to be another fad but instead a lasting creation. i want to be one-of-a-kind the way God intended me to be. i want Him to be proud of who i am.
now back to the verse, what is love? am i being an example of love? am i patient and kind, never losing faith? i want to show love but i think i have let it be on my terms rather than how God wants me to love. i pray that i can love the way Christ does, unconditionally.
how do you "love"?
Blast from the past
So last night I had a late night visit from an old friend. What I thought would be an awkward encounter turned out to be an awesome time. I had thought we would never have a real conversation again and we did. I'm not sure if it was only a one time deal but it holds a glimmer of hope for that friendship again. God gives you moments and I was blessed to have that one. I pray the best for this person and hope that they know I'll always be there.
I thank God for the friendships that I had, have now, will have and the ones that may return.
I thank God for the friendships that I had, have now, will have and the ones that may return.
